Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
