I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
