walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
