And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
