you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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