He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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