Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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