Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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