JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I love you.
Bad choice
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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