so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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