I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
