you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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