so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
