I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize