The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
