Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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