i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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