Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
