Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
there's paper in my vomit.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I think my moral compass just broke
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
