She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
