Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
