A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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