I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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