Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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