3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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