I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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