Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize