i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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