you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
