I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
