the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
