oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
