when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
