He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
