i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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