I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
