we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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