i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
did i walk over a car last night?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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