my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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