just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
