Moan for me like Helen Keller
im six kinds of drunk right now
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
