Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
