having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
