Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
