she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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