I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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