Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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