Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
