I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
