You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
