You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
pop tarts are not kleenex
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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