anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
