how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
