Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
