Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
