Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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